tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post7017543777929491680..comments2023-03-20T09:34:47.785+00:00Comments on Ad Astra (To The Stars): #Fridayflash - SeptemberAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01304850820653245569noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-13033916331988591132010-02-21T15:02:28.772+00:002010-02-21T15:02:28.772+00:00I dropped by to read your story but I'm on a m...I dropped by to read your story but I'm on a mobile. All in all ihave to agree with Laura. Also the beginning is a sort of infodump I think. Idid enjoy this it does need editing cheers Amy.Carrie Clevengerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05093923008179106837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-57036202258523517712010-02-21T03:02:09.672+00:002010-02-21T03:02:09.672+00:00Although the previous comments were good, I have t...Although the previous comments were good, I have to say that I didn't get it until the two trees that "dad" planted. The description of the mother was very nice. I might suggest that you separate the chocolate chip cookies and her leaving, a little; e.g., the brother wakes up, smells the chocolate chip cookies, knows its Thursday. Then she wasn't there. Very intriguing story, and I like the twist.Kim Batchelorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13706206136308395706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-7137547244533870982010-02-21T00:29:22.195+00:002010-02-21T00:29:22.195+00:00Hmm...it's ambiguous, I know. That's the f...Hmm...it's ambiguous, I know. That's the fundamental problem. So. how would you suggest I make that point clearer..?Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01304850820653245569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-54967514304582783882010-02-20T13:24:15.759+00:002010-02-20T13:24:15.759+00:00I thought the father had killed his wife and hired...I thought the father had killed his wife and hired hand because of an affair. It wasn't clear that you meant the hired hand had taken over. I love the image of the two trees to explain the mother's disappearance.~Timhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06774944172261988587noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-13085864554661800122010-02-19T19:34:38.356+00:002010-02-19T19:34:38.356+00:00Lots of interesting & helpful ideas for edits ...Lots of interesting & helpful ideas for edits here, and there are things I'd agree with in all of them - I think I'll rewrite this with greater hints to the children's true parentage, before I reveal the graves in the woods...and I might also make the complex idea of easily assumed identity in a remote, rural location a bit clearer! <br /><br />But there are certain things I'd leave alone too. The 'gilded' impression you get at the beginning is very deliberate - I wanted this to feel fake - like someone recounting a heavily-rosy view of their childhood and what kind of parent 'Dad' was. The perceived perfection is intended to make the sinister conclusion more shocking.<br /><br />I also don't want to 'tell' my readers too much...I think describing HOW 'Dad' got control of the estate after the killings would be largely extra to the point of the tale - it was intended that the story spoke for itself on those grounds, in that the reader should feel this man wholly adopted the identity of the children's true father...and that it wasn't noticed, because there was no one there to notice.<br /><br />All in all, much to improve my tale with - and hopefully, when it's done, I might like it! Thanks! :)Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01304850820653245569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-52388687722930135072010-02-19T17:02:20.972+00:002010-02-19T17:02:20.972+00:00Amy, you asked for feedback and I'll try to pr...Amy, you asked for feedback and I'll try to provide. Hope this is useful!<br /><br />I will go further that Laura. The first four paragraphs would be sweet if they were non-fiction blogging, but for fiction they do very littleand it prompts skimming when they take up about a third of the story's length without doing much. They aren't original sentiments or details, feeling very gilded. You don't need a paragraph saying the childhood was full of wonders (especially if you don't describe them), nor a paragraph saying adults realize things (we'd get that point from the story itself). Such things are nice for a paragraph but don't carry narrative weight, and considering you're trying to build a twist in the story, they do it a disservice. If you got right to the problem, or to the mother/father dynamic in the second paragraph, it would execute more smoothly and give you more space to give details that make the twists matter.<br /><br />I had no idea that the non-biological father wasn't the owner of the estate where people labour. I had no reason to believe otherwise - how does he get control of the place where they labour if he was just a labourer? Or did he? You gave me the sense that he was in ownership, which is something that isn't dispelled as it's revealed he wasn't the biological father. If the narrator remembers details of dispute, or them having to move after the "labourer" (actual owner) died, that might help, but given the very natural way of speaking you've got with this narrator, I don't know how you could fit that twist into this story. I think to pull it off you would have to give more narrative about what life was like with the man who wasn't their father - remembering daily routines that hinted at more. By far the best part of the story are the graves in the woods. Even though you have the narrator outright say what they mean, they're the most tangible elements of truth, and thus, the most tangible elements of what's going on. If you could build more things like them into the story (not necessarily objects or places, but events that are unique to their lives), it might click better.John Wiswellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07416044628686736927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-15848048426272113042010-02-19T13:57:42.851+00:002010-02-19T13:57:42.851+00:00Morning Amy. . .
This story worked for me. I li...Morning Amy. . . <br /><br />This story worked for me. I like the first person, I like the flow, and I like the action and movement of it. . . it keeps going and going and going smooth.<br /><br />Like everyone else seems to suggest - a few edits and it's perfect.<br /><br />Jack Rothjack rothhttp://www.jackroth.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-42672805573933392162010-02-19T13:56:17.641+00:002010-02-19T13:56:17.641+00:00Amy, I really liked this one. I won't repost ...Amy, I really liked this one. I won't repost any suggestions because I feel everyone's thoughts so far are on track. <br /><br />A few minor tweeks and this could AND SHOULD be sent off for publication somewhere.<br /><br />Well done (again. . . I just finished reading and commenting on your poem).<br /><br />JimJim Wisneskihttp://www.jimwisneski.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-87197185629224417232010-02-19T13:09:24.425+00:002010-02-19T13:09:24.425+00:00It was a wonderful story, Amy. To contradict you.....It was a wonderful story, Amy. To contradict you...it was great writing, it's just that if you were to drop the last paragraph, as Laura suggested, you would need to leave better hints regarding their parentage during the story. It was very well described.Alan W. Davidsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17067022519729701245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-63205243656330110012010-02-19T12:03:52.778+00:002010-02-19T12:03:52.778+00:00The one they 'remember' as the labourer is...The one they 'remember' as the labourer is intended to be their father & he didn't 'fall' under the baler. They never saw what happened to Mum. <br /><br />The perfect 'Dad' who raised them was the 'real' lodging labourer - who liked the family he worked for so much, that he claimed them for himself...the kids were too young to ever recall this man as anything but 'Dad' & thus, years later, they have the identity of the characters at the breakfast table reversed.<br /><br />I guess the reason I don't think it's great writing then, might actually be because it isn't clear enough in some places or subtle enough in others! :D Maybe I'll edit this at a later date. Thanks for your input guys!Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01304850820653245569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-12418331958000793642010-02-19T10:07:26.660+00:002010-02-19T10:07:26.660+00:00Whimsical, beautiful writing.
Yes it made sense t...Whimsical, beautiful writing.<br /><br />Yes it made sense that they weren't the "Dad's" children before the last sentence, but it's not completely clear who the Dad is. Was he married to their mother? Or was he a psychopath that turned up and killed their parents?David Mastershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12809185582216906363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-48912367749279669362010-02-19T05:44:50.562+00:002010-02-19T05:44:50.562+00:00Good thing he got rid of those crappy old "pa...Good thing he got rid of those crappy old "parents". They were just a bother anyways.<br />The red hair doesn't quite work tho...it's a recessive trait and can skip generations. My dad had red hair and none of us did.<br /><i>hmm...waitaminuite...</i>Andrew Rosenberghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09215333688753781447noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-89700798607900238972010-02-19T05:08:47.318+00:002010-02-19T05:08:47.318+00:00Well, I did not think it was too obvious because t...Well, I did not think it was too obvious because the last paragraph did surprise me. But you might try Laura's advice to see if it works better for you. <br /><br />Did like the details you gave, such as knowing it was Thursday because of the chocolate chip cookies.<br /><br />Nicely done!Marisa Birnshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17945909737147497606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-90331508627930634982010-02-19T03:02:36.847+00:002010-02-19T03:02:36.847+00:00Lovely - I agree with Laura- but well done. :)Lovely - I agree with Laura- but well done. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-7825828638601197632010-02-19T02:57:55.539+00:002010-02-19T02:57:55.539+00:00Yeah, that was my feeling too...I'm not usuall...Yeah, that was my feeling too...I'm not usually inclined to be so explanatory! I think I felt it was too obvious, which is sort of why I don't think this is my best stuff! :-/Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01304850820653245569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-11435208334500097932010-02-19T02:54:40.316+00:002010-02-19T02:54:40.316+00:00Better than you thought, in my opinion.Better than you thought, in my opinion.Larry Kollarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08317037795075278427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-91773619641878562152010-02-19T02:50:08.679+00:002010-02-19T02:50:08.679+00:00It's a good story, but you asked for comments....It's a good story, but you asked for comments...<br />I'd lose the entire last paragraph. Somehow work the hair colors into the story at an earlier point and let the reader figure it out without leading them to it.Laura Enohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09982794146667832204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3876867863906161875.post-65484494915761828562010-02-19T02:44:44.899+00:002010-02-19T02:44:44.899+00:00So interesting. Nice job.So interesting. Nice job.Angie Ledbetterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16407006980893727627noreply@blogger.com