Thursday, 20 May 2010
Islands
It’s 3am,
on a concrete island,
and you’re holding my hand
like the devil’s claw
as the lights swirl on a heated
floor of tarmac,
blacker
than coal
and you’re saying now
how you
can’t bear to let me go.
“So please,
don’t.”
I tell you,
“come,
follow me home,
we’ll pretend we’ve never
known
how very wrong
this is.”
Then you close your eyes and tell me,
mind my business,
because,
you have so much
loss to think about,
and love to worry for,
that you
can do without my
many flaws and failings at your door.
And then,
without games,
or warnings or more,
the wind slowly mixes
with the grimy earth
in the morning’s breaking dew,
and it joins
with my wandering soul,
as I cough up the taste of you,
on my tongue,
and make my way home
through the barbed wire,
denying any left
over morsels of desire that linger
yet.
And suddenly, saying ‘goodbye’ in the road,
on a traffic island,
seems as fitting as it gets.
Not quite a #fridayflash, but a story, nonetheless... :)
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oooooo great poem!
ReplyDeleteYour hand doesn't feel like the devil's claw at all. I was just nervous because I didn't want you to catch my rash.
ReplyDeleteA tragic goodbye poem, madame.
Wonderfully powerful! You really do have a way with poetry. :)
ReplyDeleteVery powerful, very sad. And I could see the goodbye so well.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to come back and say, hey, Jon just posted the #fridayflash debuts again and I've just realized you were the very first person to ever comment on one of my stories. So, thank you! :)
Sad, but simply wonderful!
ReplyDeleteWhilst I do not follow every line break I am new to reading your poetry, so I take it as my failing to follow your voice. That said right at this moment it does seem to me that a more concise structure could be employed. That was my first impression.
ReplyDeleteI have never enjoyed the use of the word 'like' within poetry. Not that there is anything wrong with it per se. Yet I have always felt that there are better ways to form phrases without the use of 'like' as a comparison. This is nothing against your poem. I have hypocritically used the word myself, though I always kick myself for doing so.
The setting of this event is as prominent to me as the mood that you so clearly express. I would say that while it is sad in tone I find it appears to be more of a hopeless situation for both parties. An attempt to prolong the inevitable. Even if he had been reciprocal to her offer then it would still have been wrong. There appears no real way out of the situation, only a way to extend the bitter-sweet agony by masking it within the comfort of each other. A comfort that is expressed to be 'very wrong'.
Hence to me this is not just a sad situation but a hopeless one where the ending has always been inevitable, or at least probable. And then the imagery of that traffic island invokes the isolation and distance that is so apparent throughout, despite the hand in hand contact.
Certain expressions could have been stated stronger such as 'very wrong'. It appears weak within this poem. The tone tells us its wrong as does the poet. The inclusion of 'very' seems a weak or superfluous description. So I believe that you could have expressed that sentiment more profoundly. You certainly appear to have the ability to do so.
All in all I truly enjoyed this poem and I hope the length of my reply displays such sentiment.
Why, thank you... It is as it is and it falls as it falls upon the page. I change little, I edit none...it ends up as it began: an idea, an image, a thought, expressed as simply as it came to me. I am more thought-poet than wordsmith mostly, and you will thus find my language largely humble...except when I choose otherwise! It is a deliberate structure, yet not appealing to all tastes... Still, I'm pleased you enjoyed it, I hope you'll drop by again! :)
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